(PART TWO OF TWO)
Reloading, my
vision drops to my rifle's receiver.
All is slow.
All is slow, and
gleams.
Metals gleam.
The smooth blued
steel of the bolt, the long grooves in the receiver where the bolt's locking
lugs and roller travel, the bright chrome flange at the entrance to the
chamber, the copper-jacketed bullets, brighter brass cartridge casings - all
these metals seem to glow with a radioactive light from within.
This instant folds
back on itself, scrambling upstream in time like a climber clawing the ice on a
slope that ends just below him at a thousand-foot cliff. It is as if my life,
knowing it is about to end, has decided to stretch this last moment into the
sixty years or so that I won't get to see and hear and smell and touch. A
little place, a fine warm nest for me, is bounded by the lip of my helmet, the
collar of my flak jacket, my own face and shoulders and arms engaged around my
rifle, and the rifle itself and the low sandbag parapet it rests across. My
hand ‑ this is all in the same instant, now, the same tiny cove in space and
time where what I must do saves me from having to look at the humans who are
walking this way to eat my last bright cookie of time ‑ my hand reaches under
the rifle and grabs the empty magazine. Thumb releases latch. Hand opens, lets
fall magazine on sandbag, grabs another. Its weight says it's full. My
happiness is extreme: I am not out of ammo. The flarelight lets me see down
through the rifle's receiver, glinting facets of grey steel grooves, as the
loaded magazine comes up from below and snaps in. The top two cartridges shine
for me like God's own golden torpedoes, the instant stretching as the bolt,
sliding forward, peels off the top cartridge and pushes it into the chamber,
copper pointed 7.62mm bullet first, brass casing behind, hardened steel bolt
clings home and rolls to the right, locking. This, the expanded instant lets me
think, is why I'm here. This is what my stepfather knew, my uncle, their
fathers: mechanical perfection and maleness, the hard, lightly oiled, amoral,
monstrously beautiful fit of a live cartridge seating in its clean‑machine
chamber and the bolt locking home behind it.
I beg:
Please go away O please go away. Okay. Take this place this awful
place. I don't want this place honest it's yours anyway. Take it, and just let
ME go away. I'll never come back. Honest.
I put my cheek to the
rifle and look up. They're closer. I fire. As the rifle lurches into my
shoulder, I hear a crackling like bacon on a too‑hot griddle, and foul smoke
burns my right eye. Blinking, shooting, knocking down the fierce little
soldiers, I know I've burnt my cheek on the rifle's hot receiver and smile at
not feeling it: how violently wonderful, to live long enough for that burn ‑ or
its scar ‑ to matter...now so many of them are through the concertina I can't
see the wire any more, and I wish the soldier mother would attack somewhere
else, but I guess our guys are all down and I am the only one still firing so
they are coming for me and my rifle the muzzle climbs on full auto, makes me
shoot over their heads, I hook the hinged butt plate over my shoulder so I can
lever the muzzle down with both hands at the grip I keep knocking them down but
there are too many and the soldier mother keeps coming, not even firing, out of
ammo or waiting to get closer, I see that little head looking out of the
bundle, looking over her shoulder at me, she's getting too close, I can see the
baby's dark eyes now in the flarelight, wide open and unblinking, staring over
her shoulder at me. How can Vietnamese eyes open that wide? I see only the
child's eyes. The child's eyes see only me. The mother's eyes are on the
ground. She's watching her footing. She doesn't fall. She doesn't stop. She
doesn't hurry. She doesn't slow. She keeps coming, and I turn my wonderful
rifle, my savior, and terror mixed with something else gorges up from my
stomach and vomits through the rifle at them. I aim for her legs but she leans
forward and I forget to lever the muzzle down and the rifle belches up her and
the kid like zipping a pair of coveralls and they're slammed into the mud as if
by the fist of some uncaring giant, then I'm hit and spun away from the rifle
and I scramble like the panicked rats we used to dip in diesel fuel and light
up in the bunker and I thank Ski for being dead and pull him further on top of
me and roll Glover onto my head and shoulders and I sink into the beautiful
mud, my mud, my mother, home.
I hear them.
A single rifle shot
at the machine gun bunker.
Silence.
A single rifle shot
at the med bunker.
Another single shot.
Silence.
Some part of my body
calls for attention. I remember I was hit, I'm wounded somewhere, but I am so
commingled with dead people and mud that I can't tell what part of me was hit.
I feel the swelling
in my crotch and think, O Dios mío, I'm wounded there. But it's not a
wound. I have a hard‑on. Doc Motto said a lot of guys get a hard‑on just before
they die.
Six more shots,
pistol shots, slow and rhythmic and careful, like the tick of time.
Silence.
Steps. Voices, tired,
speaking Vietnamese in short nervous phrases. The steps, the voices, come to
us. A boy‑sized rubber soled black tennis shoe, eerily like we wore back home
in that other life, last year, as children, scrapes my forehead. My right eye
clenched closed, buried in the mud, I see only a glob of red mud covering the
toe of the tennis shoe out of my left eye. The mud flashes red in the electric‑arc
light of a descending flare.
That sound.
Fucking unfair: the
sound takes me to when I was a kid out on Gearhart Mountain, but they won't let
me go there. I've just killed my first mule deer and I have to cut his throat
to bleed him but the hide is too tough, and my stepdad Bill is telling me,
"You have to stick it," and makes a motion which I imitate, driving
the knife into the buck's throat with the heel of my hand, thhht! butcher‑shop sound.
But I can't go there.
I'm here. They're bayoneting each of us to see who is alive. They spend a
bullet only for those who squirm. Jesucristo, they're good.
What's exposed? My
left leg. I can do it: left leg, you do not exist for me, you will take the
thrust and you will be just one dead leg. My back, mierda, the middle of my back is open....
That sound: the
bayonet, the knife driven into the deer's throat. Glover passes the test, he's
dead, they don't shoot him. The tennis shoe moves against my forehead. I feel
the soldier's body jerk as each bayonet thrust translates into a new scraping
of my forehead by his foot. The scraping is delicious pain telling me I'm still
alive. Please miss my spine. I can play dead if you don't stick my spine.
A flare drifts low, throws white light under Glover's leg. I see the spider,
little black spider, eight‑legged daintily tiptoeing away from the toe of the
black tennis shoe, trying to make its way up the slick mud slide carved by the
soldier's shoe as it slid to rest against my forehead.
Go, spider, this is a bad place...leave this place of death, go to the
place of life, take a message for me, from us, carry a droplet of my blood back
to the living, back home.... I watch the spider walk up the slippery clay
chute. It becomes all I can see, then the flare drops below the berm and I see
nothing. Time happens, a second, a year, the foot is still there. Please let me see the spider one more time.
The soldier whose
body touches mine is talking in low, tired tones to someone behind him. He
pauses between bayonet thrusts, soldierly labor. Lying here on earth's breast,
comforted by my cloak of dead friends, I feel a sympathy for his tiredness.
Another flare pops, high and farther back.
Spider! It is the
same spider, but this time I see it huge. It is the great hairylegged beast at
the center of all the white light in the universe. Its totemic legs lift and
bend and reach in rhythm, a ballet of redwood boles in the flarelight. I see how
perfect it is, how perfectly it moves. It is everything. That spider is my
whole world.
The spider is solving
a physics problem. The wet clay is at once sticky and slippery. Its four front
legs, giant shaggy steamshovel arms, must reach up, pull, but not get stuck.
The four back legs must reach down and push, and must not slip, else it will
slide under the soldier's toe. Each leg lifts grandly, bends, reaches, tests
the earth, pulls, pushes. No one leg does too much or too little, they share
the weight, they balance the giant obsidian body, they move in cadence, visual
music.
The flare drops near
the earth; the spider's shadow lengthens and swings hugely as the wind carries
the flare to the side. The flare falls beyond the spider and its shadow covers
my eye and the spider's body explodes in size to occupy my entire vision and
something thumps the left side of my back and the boy‑sized black tennis shoe
walks away.
The clear rippling
water returns, this time flowing top to bottom across a grey rectangle, and
also this time with sound: the gurgling and dripping of real water have
replaced the silence of the dream water. But it recalls the dream water for me,
and the pictures of the boat and the dusty street and the feral children are just
beginning to re‑emerge from behind the watery rectangle when I realize that
I've gradually awakened, and am looking out the window at the rain.
I'm alone in the room
again, its walls sponged with the soggy grey daylight of a rainy season
afternoon. The dream pictures follow one another through the rainy rectangle
into my awakening. As the weapons belt and the bloody forearm begin a
kaleidoscopic flip into the pictures of the dusty street and the children and
the firefight, horror rises in my throat and pounds in my temples until I
nearly black out again. I yelp. The pictures stop.
I look around the
room. The two rifles have been taken from the corner and taken apart and their
parts spread on a military poncho near my cot. There is a stack of loaded
magazines by each rifle: the M14 magazines are straight; the AK magazines
curved. The two patas de gallina were
left beside the poncho by whoever was cleaning the rifles...Hortensio, I
remember being awakened by the smell of gasoline and seeing Hortensio squatting
on one stool cleaning rifle parts with an old toothbrush in a red plastic pan.
Delfina sat on the stool beside her father, watching his movements with her
child's intensity. The gasoline's pungence still hangs in the wet air.
I roll onto my side
and adjust the folded jeans Agapita has left me for a pillow ‑ my own
longlegged, skinny jeans, I notice, that's why they call me Gordito, Fatso ‑
until I can relax and stare at the two stripped‑down rifles on the poncho. Esas
metrallas conocen quien soy, those rifles know who I am.
I feel myself a
magnet, and steel is doing what steel does: the rifle parts seem to creep
toward me. The attraction is both physical and emotional, as if what had passed
between a man and a rifle has become some spiritual force‑field.
Empiezo con el
Aka, I'll start with the AK. There are the brown plastic banana clips ‑
magazines, actually ‑ called that because each cartridge is slightly larger at
the base than at the business end, and thirty rounds stacked in the magazine
form a banana shape. There's the signature Kalashnikov gas cylinder with its
beveled end above the barrel, unlike this gringo M14 but like most armas
soviéticas carried by Hortensio and Agapita and the other members of
Jícaro's cattle co‑op who double as milicianos, part of the Sandinistas'
attempt to organize the way we earn our livelihoods, then convince us to
"Defend the cooperative, defend Sandinismo." Piricuacos: they
yip slogans like mongrels.
The Aka, with its
short, klunky shape and clumsy balance, is familiar to me, but some of its
smaller parts, spread out on the poncho, are not. The rifle refuses to cough up
its connection with me. I try to find pieces of my own life among the dully
glinting steel parts. Then the force that had stretched between me and the
group of rifle parts seems to strike at me and recoil into itself like a
rattlesnake suddenly encountered upon rounding a bend in a mountain trail. I
recoil too, and comes a quick clammy sweat like those of my malaria attacks,
but now the sweat pokes icy needles through my skin from inside. I lay back,
look away to the rain falling outside the window, pull the blanket up to wipe
sweat from my face and eyes and to warm myself, then turn back to the
disassembled rifles.
I look at the M14
parts. I remember every one, and unlike the AK‑47, the M14 parts seem to
welcome me among them as family. I can feel my body assembling them: line up
the flat side of the gas piston with the flat side of the hole in the cylinder,
drop it and jiggle it till the rod falls through and the piston seats ‑ a
little air will whoosh out. Tighten the cylinder nut with the wrench from the
well behind the hinged butt plate. Take the bolt by the roller... I fall asleep
with my fingers forming into the specific grips required by each piece.
Agapita is standing
on me in the dark, desperately kicking my legs to get footing on the cot,
stretching my blanket between her thumbs and forcing the blanket to tear enough
to slip over the heads of the nails driven into the soft concrete at the
window's upper corners, then bent into crude hooks.
She jumps down and
falls on her knees beside the disassembled rifles, turning on her flashlight
and laying it on the poncho beside the AK‑47 parts. Her movements as she
assembles the rifle are as urgent as when she kicked me awake. Her urgency
startles me fully awake as I hear explosions in the distance. Now comes the
staccato racket of automatic weapons firing from the direction of the miliciano guardpost down the street at
the north entrance to the village. Exploding mortar rounds walk the length of
the street, patiently approaching.
The steel parts snik and ping as the feverish mound that is Agapita assembles the Aka. I see
a hunch to her silhouette: Delfina is slung on her mother's back in the tired
red cloth Agapita uses to carry the child as she tends the vegetable garden or
walks to the junction to catch the bus to market in Jalapa.
She straightens,
stands, lurches toward the door. Her flashlight's beam lances about the room.
She turns, nestles the flashlight in the crook of her left elbow, against the
vest of Aka magazines that flattens her breasts with its weight of lead and
brass and powder. The light shines upward onto her face and glints off streaks
left by her tears as she bends over the rifle, pulls a magazine from the vest
and slips it into the receiver of the upside‑down Aka, slamming it home with
the heel of her hand.
She tosses the
flashlight onto the poncho among the M14 parts. Its beam catches a spider
walking on a wrinkle in the poncho, just in front of the lens, and throws its
huge shadow on the opposite wall, hairy steamshovel legs bending and reaching.
The spider's shadow breaks the dam in my memory, rudely jamming the gears of my
mind back to the firefight at Tho An, back to the Mekong riverboat in northern
Cambodia, back along the weary parade of small, dark‑skinned, dark‑haired, dark‑eyed
people I've watched, first across my rifle sights, then through 35 millimeter
camera lenses, the parade of people burdened under weapons too large for them,
in Laos and Vietnam and Thailand and the Philippines and Honduras and Guatemala
and El Salvador and now here, back to the time of leaving the world behind,
trading gun belts for tool belts, nailing roof‑decks on Colorado A‑frames,
memory returning in an avalanche as my mind speaks English to itself for the
first time since weeks before the malaria made me delirious.
"Hortensio está muerto, Gordon," Agapita is saying,
Hortensio is dead, and she says "Gordon" in English as if it left a
scum on her teeth, "so you're the only gringo hijueputa who can put
together this gringo hijueputa..." Sobbing through her curses, she
flicks her hand angrily toward the M14 parts on the poncho. "And they
won't give a shit about your chingada neutralidad periodística” ‑ she
spits the words, your precious fucking journalist’s neutrality – “these
bastards you gringos pay to kill us don't even look in a house to see if there
are kids inside before they blow it. ¿Qué vas a hacer, Gordon?"
Crazily, as if there were time for it to matter, I hear her question two ways: “¿Qué
vas a hacer?/¿Qué vas a ser? What are you going to do?/What are you going
to be?”
She chambers a round
in the AK, slings it on her shoulder,
reaches under the vest, pulls out the ancient US service .45 that she
carries cocked and locked, for herself and Delfina, in case they catch her. I
hear the 2‑stage slide of that weapon, the snik
of the safety. She stuffs it back into her belt. As she turns for the door, I
see, in the periphery of the flashlight's beam, Delfina's large dark eyes, wide
open and unblinking, staring at me over her mother's shoulder.
END
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