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Sunday, June 2, 2013

ROGUE RIVER 2: RATTLESNAKE AIR



Rogue River 2: Rattlesnake Air

     Eastern Oregon began to settle into my bones. I loved the higher altitude, the crisper air, the snow in winter instead of rain. I loved hunting rabbits and deer with Bill Gano in the open country east of Klamath Falls. There were even good trout-fishing streams.
But there was no Rogue River. 
     I became nostalgic for the river. Jack Dunham and I had been friends in school before the summer of 1956 when Mom and Bill moved us to Klamath Falls. We were both skinny kids with glasses who didn’t have to study much, so we had time to prowl the hills and streams around Grants Pass like the couple of wild Indians we often imagined ourselves to be.      
     The Rogue River had flowed through our lives, a great presence at once mythical and real. When a heavy Spring rain would add its volume to that of the snowmelt from the Cascade Range, the Rogue would sometimes live up to its name and flood, suddenly and unpredictably, swatting homes and small motels from its banks with a casual power. But most of the time it glittered bright green and white over the rounded stones of its bed as it took sharp turns through the canyons on its way to slide into the Pacific at Gold Beach, or thundered over rapids into deep green pools where we'd swim and fish, with spinning rods and worms, for the rainbow trout we shared the river with, ignoring our elders' warnings about what a rogue the river truly was, and how many overconfident boys it had claimed. 
     August was a special time on the river. A critical component of that specialness was, of course - no school! The felt approach of September would concentrate the urgency of our adventures, the long warm evenings allowing us to stay out later. The lower water level let us sidle right up next to the river's heart. The pools where we and the trout tried to trick one another shrank until we could wade into the edges of the dark secret rooms where they lived. 
     August air became hot and dry and still as it hung in the timbered canyons above the river, with western Oregon's rainy winter a doubtful memory as pickup-tossed dust rose in serpentine coils above the dirt roads that laced the woods along the riverbanks. 
     Blackberries would ripen. Having stored moisture from a wetter time, they hung - lumpy, whiskered obsidian pendulums - along road- and trailsides. The sun would hit the berries and the dark green leaves that crowded out from the thorny red vines and the air would thicken with more than odor: walking there, you breathed an atmosphere of hot blackberries and dust and pine sap that was so close and right that it seemed that that mixture, rather than oxygen, was what your blood waited to extract from the air and turn into cells of muscle and bone. 

     Sound would do its part along the Rogue in August. The near - cessation of air movement through the canyons removed what had been, at other times of the year, a huge and constant presence: the lowpitched but loud sibilance of the wind's passage through, and scraping together of, pine and hemlock and spruce and cedar needles, and the leaves of laurel, madrone, manzanita, chinquapin, chestnut, live oak. 
     Maybe the sun stirred the insects to make their buggy music, or maybe they were doing what they always did, but now we could hear them better in the absence of that larger noise. In any case, an electric buzz settled above the river, in which raspy cricket calls provided a rhythmic warp onto which was woven the buzzes, whines, and drones of deerflies, black flies, mosquitoes, and gnats that crowded the still, dusty air. 
     This electric buzzing air had another meaning along the Rogue: rattlesnake. Oddly, the received wisdom that we breathed in with the blackberry air had it that the snakes shed their skins in August, adding a new button to their rattles as they did so, and that late summer was the only time of year when rattlers couldn't be counted on to give their warning, as well as the time when they were out in greatest numbers. This made August the most dangerous time of the year, snakewise, along the river. 

     Whether or not the Rogue's buzzing August atmosphere actually included rattlesnake shakes, the mixture of dust and still air and heat and insect noise along the river had the meaning, for us kids who grew up there, of rattlesnake air. That was just the way it was. But the blackberries were still there, the river was still there, the trout were still there, and September and school were approaching. So we had to go to the river in August, fishing till dusk in the deep green pools, then gathering baseball capfulls of dusty blackberries along the roadsides and returning to the river to wash our berries, clean our trout and feed their guts to their still-swimming cannibal relatives, and eat the berries and drink cool water from one of the little creeks that flowed into the river and take a final swim in the evening light to rinse the dust from us. We'd trudge home with our freshly gutted trout strung on forks of willow branches we'd cut with our pocket knives. 

     Tragedy struck: we began to grow up. Sports and girls and the awe-inspiring world of junior high school pulled us back from the banks of the Rogue. During the summer after seventh grade - 1956 - Bill Gano had lost his job in a chrome mine just across the line in California, and the sawmills around Grants Pass weren't hiring. He and Mom had packed Darrell and me into the '53 Studebaker, stuffing it and a UHaul trailer with everything we owned, and set off looking for work. Where we found work was where we would live. Mom set a deadline of September 1st. We had to have found work by then, and had to have a place to live and have enough money for the first month's rent, so Darrell and I could start school with the other kids.     
     We made the rounds of small Oregon towns. My memory is of the dusty smell of hot velveteen seat covers, of Darrell and me squeezed into the back seat along with a pile of bedding; of Bill plodding the dust of sawmill yards, farms, ranches, and welding shops looking for work; and of Mom trying to get on at grocery stores or butcher shops as a checker or meat wrapper. 
     In late August, we ended up in Klamath Falls, still with no work. Mom dropped the hammer: this is it, the boys will go to school here. We had enough money from parttime work over the summer to get us in the door of the ShastaView Apartments (even small towns have low-rent districts). Bill haunted the personnel office of the big Weyerhauser mill outside town, and finally got on there as a welder. 
     Jack Dunham and I kept in touch through the eighth grade and the early years of high school. I'd write about hunting mule deer with Bill in the sagebrush, juniper, and rimrock country east of Klamath Falls; Jack would write about the river.
     We decided to get back to the river one more time before adulthood pried us loose from it. We would get together in August with a couple of Jack's friends, backpack down the Rogue from Galice to Illahe, then take the mailboats on downstream to Gold Beach where his folks would pick us up and drive us back to Grants Pass. Jack and I were both sixteen.

     I'd done the same trip years before as a Boy Scout; Jack, who had lived his whole life almost within walking distance of the river, never had. We put our heads together. Someone couldn't make it in early June because of a family vacation, and some of us had summer jobs through the rest of June and through July into August. But the four of us blocked out everything else for the last week in August: we would walk the river, do it right, and enter our junior years of high school as seasoned wilderness explorers.     
     We knew August wasn't the best time: we'd have to watch for snakes.
     It really was wilderness. The roads we'd used to approach the river as younger kids stopped at Galice, a few miles downstream from Grants Pass, at the beginning of a nearly 50 mile stretch of river that was a legally designated wilderness area. This meant that no motor vehicles could enter the area. If you wanted to see this part of the river, you walked it, or rode a horse or mule, or were one of a few stalwart (and moneyed) souls who shot through the canyons in whitewater boats with professional guides.
     Jack's family had a friend at Galice, a hoaryheaded émigré who had fled the Bolshevik revolution. The story was that he'd lived as a child and young man on a river in Russia, and had settled on the Rogue to live out his years. We spent the night at his place before our "jumpoff;" Jack's two friends would join us early the next morning.

     The old man's cabin was on the inside curve of a big bend in the river, nestled on the bank just above the highwater mark. The river went wide and shallow around the bend, making all the shades there are of green and silver and white as it riffled over the large stones it had rounded over the centuries. The afternoon we showed up, August's blackberry-and-rattlesnake air crowded around us, with sunlight slanting past barely moving leaves to aim dusty inclined shafts of light at the forest floor, leaving leafshadows between them in a pattern so radically bright and dark that, just walking along, the pupils of our eyes would become confused about how much light to let in, so that we'd stumble over roots we'd easily have seen on a cloudy day. 
     When Jack's folks dropped us off in midafternoon, telling us to have a great time and be careful, we dropped our packs on the old man's porch and walked around with him as he showed off his place. The river’s noise – especially to me, who hadn't heard it, hadn't really listened to it, for three years - seemed nothing more or less than a delightful, continuous roar of water flowing swiftly over its rocky bed. 

     The old man lived off his Social Security check and his garden and fish from the river and venison in the fall. The garden grew in the rich silty soil the river deposited in its own bend during high-water times. Weedless rows of corn and green beans and radishes and lettuce were springy with life. Raspberry vines planted in the open to take advantage of daylong sun gave him a flavor to alternate with the fat blackberries he gathered from the roadside. 
     Afternoon slanted into evening. The old man retreated to the interior of his cabin, built of a single vertical layer of weathered boards, and insulated inside with layers of newspaper long since gilded by time and light. His furniture was a big old easy chair, a small wooden table and a couple of stools, and a phonograph. He had a stack of classical records in scuffed jackets.
     A ritual began to be enacted, one of the most guilelessly reverent I have ever seen. As the newspapers on the wall began to glow with just enough of the day's last purple light to read by, the old man knelt and went carefully through his records. He read the labels as if we were not there, his inner ear hearing the choices he made. He settled on an inch-thick stack of records, all he could fit on the spindle that would drop them, one at a time, onto the turntable. 

     With records in place, with evening fading to night, he lit no lantern. Indicating with a wave of his hand that we were welcome to stay, he leaned back in his big chair, put his feet up, and closed his eyes. Jack and I sat quietly for a while, watching the old man inhabit his own world in his own way, and listening to music we'd never heard before, knowing that although it was strange to us, it was right for hearing with the sound of the river. I imagine now that he was playing Rachmaninoff, but I don't know that. Maybe it's just that in my life now, whenever I hear Rachmaninoff, I see that old man and his cabin and his Rogue.
     He'd set the volume so that when a symphony orchestra reached a louder part of the music, it would for a time drown out the sound of the river making its bend behind him. But when the music slipped into a quieter section, the river's chorus would return, would enter the old man's ears, and would, we thought, carry him back to the Russian river of his youth. 
     We tried to listen as we imagined him to be listening. It came to me that the river's sound wasn't uniform at all. If you paid close attention, some unknown watery event upstream and back in time, like light arriving from a long-dead star, would change the volume or speed of the water, it would strike the stones differently, the sound would wax and wane and break into colored pieces, an aural rainbow of splashes and gurgles and wet black and silver whispers. 
     
     Two or three days later, a number of things had happened. We had cursed ourselves for bringing so much food that our packstraps cut into sweaty, salt-rimed shoulders. Tennis shoe insoles had worn through where our toes dug into them from the extra weight and the gravitational acceleration of downhill slogging. We all had prize blisters. Our food ran low; now we cursed ourselves for bringing so little. The work of walking the trails from dawn to dusk had given us appetites we'd never dreamed possible. 
     Fishing became more than fun: it was between us and hunger. We washed the salt and dust from our trailweary bodies by diving off boulders into deep green pools. We walked through birdless forest cathedrals, where boles of Ponderosa pine shot up, branchless for a hundred feet before they put out the canopy that all but blocked sunlight from the forest floor. We passed places with magic names, places Zane Grey had written about in Rogue River Feud, one of his many books about cowboys and mountain men and mountains and rivers and deserts that I had absorbed directly into my bloodstream: Horsehoe Bar, Rainie Falls, Black Bar. 
     We stopped one thirsty afternoon at a miner's homestead cabin; he pulled a quart of homebrewed beer out of a cold spring and shared it with us. It took our heads off: so cold, so good, so forbidden. We clowned our way off into the afternoon, acting drunker that we could possibly have gotten on a quart of beer split five ways. 
     We were in Hell's canyon, where the Rogue narrowed between steep rock walls and pounded its way through, the steepened gradient hurling masses of water at and past the rocks with a violence that impressed four teenage boys, as no parental warning can, that we were in a place wild enough to kill us if we screwed up. Or even if we didn't. 

     As we entered the canyon, we had a little talk. We didn't sound like kids anymore. We were impressed, even scared, by our situation. The nearest road or telephone was probably twenty miles away, in what direction was anybody's guess. A broken ankle would be a disaster of a high order; we discussed who would stay, who would go for help, in what direction, what to carry. And a snakebite here wouldn't be survived by making razor cuts on the bite, applying the Cutter's suction cups, and calling for help. 
     The trail in this part of the canyon was a notch cut in the canyon wall, about halfway up. It was less than two feet wide in places, with a sheer drop below - often too high to survive, should one turn to talk to the guy behind him and be jostled off the trail by his pack hitting the rock face behind him - and a sheer climb above. We'd seen lots of bear shit and tracks; they were coming down to the river to feed on fish and berries. If we met a bear or snake on this part of the trail, there was only one way to go, and that was backwards. Fast, and carefully.

     In our suddenly grownup conference, it was decided that I would lead down the trail into Hell's Canyon. I had the only real weapon, the .22 Ruger SingleSix revolver my mom had helped me buy earlier that year, after my 16th birthday. The wisdom absorbed from the older men in our families asserted itself. We agreed that it would be mighty stupid to shoot a bear with a .22 pistol, if the bear gave us any other choice. Someone said that black bears, the kind we had in that country, had thin skulls - had seen such a skull - the thinnest part being right over the center of the brain. If you have to shoot, shoot for that. If you see a bear, look for cubs, and for God's sake, don't get between a mother and her cubs. 
     Afternoon. We were moving through the canyon, hot, tired, exhilarated, scared. We were all fantasizing wordlessly about cold sodas at Illahe, about did they have cheeseburgers there, about putting our feet up and letting the mail boats speed us to Gold Beach, about soaking our huge blisters in the salty Pacific.
     I heard something beside my ear. I stopped, turned, and looked a rattlesnake in the eyes, six inches away: yellow, round, unlidded, unblinking, with long dark vertical pupils slightly wider at the center of the eye and tapering to points at top and bottom. It seemed then, and seems to me now, that I exchanged stares with those eyes for a lifetime. They became, for the rest of my life, not a symbol (too real for that), but the incarnation of everything strange, dark, evil, dangerous. 
     The cutting of the trail in the canyon wall had left the top of the cut, at this point, exactly at my eye level, and the snake had been sunning itself there. It didn't rattle; what I'd heard was its startled movement in the grass.      
     Things seemed to move in slow motion, but they told me later I'd moved way too fast. I'd nearly knocked all three of them off the trail with my frantic backstepping.      

    I did all this at once, they said. I yelled "RATTLESNAKE!" so loud it must still be echoing in the canyon; I jumped back, slamming my pack into the face of whoever was behind me, starting an unfunny Keystone Cops chain reaction among the four of us; and jerked out the Ruger and cocked it. 
     The snake had moved as quickly. It had moved right at me, all but touching my face, dropping over the rock bank just under my chin, its head almost sliding down inside my shirt front, slithering down the five feet of cut rock to the trailbed where I'd been when I turned to look into its eyes, and started across the trail. Once it was stretched across the trail (it was about three feet long), it stopped, blocking our advance. I raised the pistol, sighted on the body of the snake, moved left along it to where its head must be in the clump of grass it had begun to enter. I had just had a nose-to-nose view of how a rattler's body is built, with the quick taper just behind the head. I couldn't see the head, but I saw the taper, so the head must be just here, where I'm aiming now. I remember to aim a little low, like Bill and my uncle Lank had taught me to do when shooting a pistol.      
     I squeezed. The pistol jumped. I don't remember hearing the shot, but it must have echoed in the canyon. The snake didn't move. I recocked the pistol, pulled it back to the right where the thick part of its body rested just above my sights, and fired again. The part of the snake where the bullet hit twisted as the hollow point tore it almost in two, the exposed red flesh dropping back into the dust of the trail. 
     We backed off a few yards and set our packs down. Somebody got me a stick. I walked slowly up to the snake, pistol in right hand, stick in left, and pulled the rest of the inert body back onto the trail. I poked at it until we were sure it was dead, then we got up close to look. The first bullet had torn most of the tissue out from the head; one fang dangled from the skin.
     August or no, the snake either hadn't yet shed its skin, was already wearing a new one, or had skipped the process in the year humans called 1959. Anyway, it had a fine rattle of about ten segments. I cut the rattle off and put it in a small wooden tube we carried some kind of medicine in. That night at our campfire, I held the fleshy part of the rattle against a hot ember, so it wouldn't rot and stink. There was a crackling sound as it cauterized; I snorted the smoke from it back out of my nostrils. Jokes about how they'd have had to put a tourniquet around my neck if the snake had bitten me in the nose sent our nervous, relieved laughter out over the lower reaches of Hell's Canyon.                     

Friday, May 31, 2013

BATHING BEAUTIES (POEM)



                                    Bathing Beauties
                         Dean Metcalf©1985, 2012
Del Mar Beach,
California 1985

I.

Slipping sideways under Cinzano umbrellas,
afternoon sun hammers ice
through thin walls of tonic glasses,
extruding beads of limesweat.

Greased bodies sizzle,
layed out along the griddle
that is the continent’s edge:
so much sexual bacon.

In the outdoor shower,
bikinied teens preen,
already posing for Playboy.

At the steps to the beach,
where everyone can see,
a couple stand
so everyone can see.

He is tall, blond,
tan, seventeen.

His muscles are from play,
for playing with:
not from work,
not for working with.

She is shorter, blonde,
nubile, fourteen.

She wears four small triangles
     of blue cloth.

She wears her self-assurance
as if she had already done everything
the older men under the Cinzano umbrellas
     are wishing they could do with her
and found it amusing.

She tosses her hair,
turning to devour
the stares
that are devouring her.

                   


II.

She is eighty.
She walks with a cane.
She has trouble with the sand.

At the other end of her life,
the soft girl’s bones of her feet were
broken, toes bent back under the arch
to form the desired opening
for a highborn man’s erection, then bound
to heal, if that is the right word, into
a different kind of foot.

They are still bound,
her childhood trapped there
like butterflies pressed
in a book.

You can see
she loves the sun.

She walks carefully
past the perfect couple
past the sizzling Californians
lifting her withered face
pushing the cane with withered hands
down to where the salt foam
washes her shortened feet,
down to where one wave’s foam
smoothes the sand with its coming,
withers the same sand with its leaving,
the withered sand a mirror to her skin.

She lifts her face
smiles into the sun
smiles toward the West,

toward China.


                                   Dean Metcalf ©1985,2012
                                   

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

DREAM: MONEY MAN PURSUIT



Dream: Money Man Pursuit

A man, one man, is after me. He's decided I'm between him and what he wants. It has nothing to do with me personally, with who I am or with anything I've done. I try to dissuade him, but he won't listen. Only my death will clear his way. There is a long pursuit. Part of it is over the rooftops of the human community. I do good tricks to get away but he always picks up the trail again. I go through a library with all human knowledge in it, in such a way as to leave all that knowledge in the form of impediments for him. He comes through it all, picks up my trail. Along the way, some people try to help me, but can't. Others are afraid to try. He has an AK47 which he fires whenever he comes within range, barely missing me. I hear the bullets snapping around my head like the bullets snapped past my ears near the well in Tho An in 1966. I meet a friend, a fellow combat vet. He says, "Remember that time...?" and recounts my telling him of our shelling and bombing a battlefield after a firefight until nothing recognizable was left but mud blasted into tortured shapes. My friend connects that story to the pursuit I'm now enduring, but I don't know why, unless just for its implacability, its inevitable movement in the direction of death. He says he'll be a lot more reluctant now, after a battle, to do his usual job of walking the ground and looking for survivors and for evidence of what happened there. I'm weary of dreaming this dream. I know I can't escape this man who pursues me. I know he'll kill me if I don't kill him. I lie in wait. I get up close. Fear and strength struggle in my body. The fear and the strength stop fighting, come to an agreement. The only way out is for me to become a more focused killer than he is. I become that. He comes. His eyes are maniacal, yet more cold than wild. Methodical. I now have a pistol. I aim carefully. A good head shot takes out one eye, goes into his brain. He keeps coming. I shoot again, take out the other eye. He will not die. I shoot and shoot, all brain shots. I'm aware of a wonderful, terrible ability to focus, like when I shot the rattlesnake on the Rogue River, or like standing in the open under fire at Tho An. This focus allows me to compartmentalize my being, putting my revulsion at killing off in a corner with my fear of death and the physical distractions of my environment and of my pursuer's movements. His head recoils crazily with each shot. Still he comes; he won't get it through his head. I grab a short sharp stick. Bullets are not enough; it has to be more personal. I thrust, put all my body's strength behind it, with the butt of the stick against my palm, and drive the point into one bloody eye socket, through his head, out the back of his skull. He finally gets the point. He dies, but not before he gets what he came for. We are in a fast food joint, behind the counter. Dying, he falls toward the cash register, grabs a wad of greenbacks the size of a large man's fist, too large to swallow, but rams it into his mouth anyway, his face a swamp of gore as he falls dead, still trying to swallow the money. 


Dream: Nazi Pursuit

I am alone. A battalion of Nazi SS troopers are after me. They are focused entirely on finding and killing me. They are all big, strong men, definitely not parade ground troops. Their uniforms are dirty. They march with the cadence of our Adeste Fidelis column at Camp Pendleton, sweating as they march. All are armed with fully automatic weapons: submachine guns and heavier. Everything about them says: fit, experienced combat men. We are in a town that has been shot up in earlier fighting. They are near. They know the area; I do not. They spread out, searching expertly. I scurry like a rat. I duck into a dark place under a raised sidewalk, like the one I looked under in Cho Lon at the corpse of the Chinese woman. I clutch my rifle, which is a singleshot 
.22 like the one I hunted rabbits with as a kid. I have 
one or two cartridges to go against the SS battalion. Their big black boots are close enough to touch as they march past my face.

CHO LON



Cho Lon

     When I studied, when I read a book, when I talked with friends and teachers and classmates about politics, I did it with the same urgency I'd felt when I left my outfit at Chu Lai. One day in the Spring of 1968, as the aftermath of the Tet offensive in Vietnam dominated the news, the availability of a small grant for a student to travel to "an underdeveloped country" was announced in classes. In separate classes, at the same hour, Jim Martin and I heard the announcement and had the same idea: Vietnam was an underdeveloped country. 
     We became joint recipients of the grant. 
     I didn’t know anything about cameras, but Mike Taylor did. He became my photography teacher. He said I needed a camera with a light meter, or a separate, hand-held meter. Our classes consisted of a couple of hours on the porch and lawn of the “Shell House” at 524 East Cache La Poudre in Colorado Springs, with Mike, ever generous with his friends, patiently explaining F-stop, shutter speeds, film speeds, focal lengths. I took some pictures of the lawn, trees, and the rusting spray-can-painted green panel truck that Tom and I had bought cheap because it was old and almost done for. 
     So for the summer between our junior and senior years, Jim and I were accredited, by the Denver Post and the Colorado College Tiger, to the Joint United States Public Affairs Office (JUSPAO) in Saigon, the official agency for the dissemination of information about American operations in Vietnam to the news media. We got to Saigon in late May. 
     We hooked up with Lee Dembart, a student reporter like ourselves who had come to the country some months earlier with a credential from New York radio station WBAI and then found other work as a journalist. Lee knew the lay of the land as far as reporting in Vietnam was concerned. He knew how to deal with government information bureaucracies, who was who in the journalism community, how to get places. 
   Lee took us to Cho Lon, the Chinese district of Saigon where there was still fighting that had begun during Tet. We hopped into a small taxi and headed out into Saigon's wartime maelstrom of motor scooters, rickshas, jeeps, and Army trucks.
     The traffic gradually thinned, and the noise with it. First there were only a few vehicles and the odd hurrying pedestrian or bicyclist. That number dwindled to none as war's damage appeared: corners of buildings blown out, masonry tumbled into the streets, blackened rebar twisted against the sky, Renaults overturned, burned, dimpled with bullet holes. 

     The driver stopped; this was as far as he'd go. Jim and I got out. Lee stayed to return with the taxi; he'd already reported the Cho Lon story, and had another commitment that afternoon. He pointed us in a direction, with the war correspondent's parting shot: "Keep your heads down." The taxi turned around and left. 
     Nothing is as noisy as a crowded city, or as eerily quiet as a deserted one. We walked a world of rubble, shattered glass, silence.
     But soon, up ahead, we heard the guns: the snap snapsnap of rifle fire, then the throbbing staccato of a heavy machine gun, then the crash of a much larger weapon.
     The scene we arrived at was one of two ARVN (Army of the Republic of Vietnam) tanks, parked a few yards apart in the middle of a wide street in the business district of Cho Lon, their turret guns angled down and across the street at what had been a sizable brick building. A unit of ARVN Rangers hung out on the sidelines, in no particular hurry to move up the street. 
     Jim and I took cover in a doorway and watched. I'd been shot at before, but street fighting was new to me, except for a little training at ITR six years earlier. Jim, a Navy vet who had served on an icebreaker in the Antarctic and then volunteered for duty in Vietnam but was never sent there, was under fire for the first time. He did well, though. In fact, he moved ahead a little more quickly than I thought was wise. 

     There were other journalists around. Peter Arnett, the AP reporter, and his frequent partner Horst Faas, the photographer whose Vietnam pictures for Life magazine were already famous, were standing on a street corner where Arnett conversed in Vietnamese with some local people. They were both wearing flak jackets and helmets. In the years since 1968, whenever I saw Arnett’s byline, or saw him on television, I would jump to his defense if sarcastic remarks such as “opportunistic reporters” or the like surfaced from the gallery. This happened frequently when Arnett stayed behind to report for CNN on the bombing campaign against Iraq during the first days of the Gulf War in 1991. I’ve always considered him the real deal, in a profession where lots of people weren’t. 
     Everyone, including the ARVN infantrymen, was watching the tanks. We learned that there was, or had been, a sniper in the brick building the tanks were firing at. During the time we were there, there may (or may not) have been a round or two of return fire come up the street in our direction. There was so much muzzle blast, so many ricochets, so many pieces of flying masonry that it was impossible to tell. Return fire or no, the tanks were systematically destroying the building. Each had a .50 caliber machine gun up front, and a 90mm cannon mounted on its turret. One .50 gunner would open up and traverse the top row of bricks on what was left of the building. When his can of ammo ran out, the machine gunner on the other tank would take over while he reloaded. Periodically, one or the other of the tanks would cut loose with its 90mm cannon on a stubborn section of the building. Then the .50's would go back to work.
     Storefronts all along the street were demolished, their contents spewed onto the sidewalk. Plastic shoes and small electric appliances covered the sidewalk where we knelt, hugging the wall with our right shoulders. 

     I began to feel that less was happening here than met the ear, that the sniper had long since left the brick building, that what we were witnessing was the expenditure of ammunition, the destruction of a building, and Vietnamese soldiers taking advantage of the opportunity to vent their racial enmity towards the Chinese merchants of Cho Lon.
     I let my attention drift away from the tanks. A few feet away from me, some of the ARVN Rangers had wandered into a store with its glass front shot out, helping themselves to the merchandise. A soldier who emerged next to me seemed pretty pleased with the small electric fan he'd procured.
     I turned around, peered into the gloom to my rear. I was crouched in a corner formed by the elevated sidewalk, the storefront at my shoulder, and a low wall behind me, at right angles to the storefront. The low wall sealed the end of a long space enclosed by the raised sidewalk which extended down the street behind me, about three feet above street level.

     As my pupils dilated, I saw a roughly circular hole in the masonry of the low wall behind me, blown open by some large caliber ordnance. I duck-waddled over and peered inside. At first it was too dark to see into the space beneath the sidewalk. Gradually I made out the form of a corpse, a Chinese woman in her middle years. She had recently died. I assumed she had been killed in the fighting, though I saw no wounds. She had been carefully laid out on the rubble that defined the floor of the space, until the fighting ended and her relatives could retrieve her. She looked very dignified. Looking at her, I thought of the phrase, "lying in state." 
     As I looked - she was just inside the hole in the wall, with her feet near enough for me to touch, and her body extended away - the body let out a long, loud, slow, putrid fart right into my face. 

     We walked out of Cho Lon the way we'd come in, away from the tanks, past blocks of blownout buildings, back to where there was again traffic in the streets, back to the land of the living, and caught a taxi downtown just in time to catch the "Five O'clock Follies," the daily press briefings at JUSPAO. Some journalists did all their reporting from there, scooping up the official handouts, rewriting them a little or a lot, shooting them off to their stateside editors, and collecting a regular paycheck for it. Some of the better ones, like Arnett, preferred to get their news where it happened, and seldom went to the briefings except to compare them with reality. 
     The gallery of reporters sat through the U.S. Army Major's recital of recent encounters between their side and our side, giving comparative body counts. During the question and answer period, things got more animated when people began asking about whether some helicopter gunships working over Cho Lon in recent days had caused any civilian casualties. I don't remember the outcome of that exchange, except that it was both confrontational and inconclusive. 

     What I do remember was the evening's final question.  The briefer was asked to comment on reports that ARVN Rangers had been looting during the fighting in Cho Lon. The major was emphatic. Nonono, he said. The Rangers were the South Vietnamese Army's elite. They had all been trained by U.S. officers and NCO's. They would never do that.

Interlude: A Veteran's Dreams

     Every veteran of ground combat has his own set of these dreams, usually for the rest of his life. Some are nightmares that are so horrible that they launch the dreamer bodily out of sleep, then clamp his mind shut, in forgetfulness, against what he just saw. Often only fragments remain. Or a dream will be repeated so often that it can't be forgotten. Sometimes, as with my dream about the wolves, it sears the brain so deeply, that one time, that it can't be forgotten. 

     Since the war, my dreams have included an ongoing series of pursuit nightmares. Over the years, two things happened. I got weary of, and angry at, waking up terrified. I also realized that however scary the dreams were, they were also amazing pictures (in full color) and stories. I decided that if I had to put up with them, I should at least get some use out of them.
     I made a conscious decision to try, when I was having a nightmare in which I was being pursued, to do two things: to turn, in the dream, and confront my pursuers; and to remember the dreams instead of forgetting them. After all, I was a storyteller, and I was missing out on the use of material which was among my strongest, and for which I had paid the highest price. I began to write them down. The dreams related here are told exactly as they occurred to me, except that some have been shortened either by me or by that great editor, forgetfulness.
     In more recent years, my dreams – some, anyway - have become friends, except for the rare visitation of a nightmare as graphic and terrifying as the first two presented here. Along the way I learned an interesting thing: that while dreams inhabit the most fearsome recesses of the human soul, dreams themselves are brutally unafraid. They will go anywhere, reveling in deepest fears and unmentionable desires. Allowed to travel unfettered and then to haul their stories into the light of morning, they will do work - especially for a writer - which simply cannot be done by the awake mind. 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

INTERLUDE: A VETERAN'S DREAMS



Interlude: A Veteran's Dreams

     Every veteran of ground combat has his own set of these dreams, usually for the rest of his life. Some are nightmares that are so horrible that they launch the dreamer bodily out of sleep, then clamp his mind shut, in forgetfulness, against what he just saw. Often only fragments remain. Or a dream will be repeated so often that it can't be forgotten. Sometimes, as with my dream about the wolves, it sears the brain so deeply, that one time, that it can't be forgotten. 

     Since the war, my dreams have included an ongoing series of pursuit nightmares. Over the years, two things happened. I got weary of, and angry at, waking up terrified. I also realized that however scary the dreams were, they were also amazing pictures (in full color) and stories. I decided that if I had to put up with them, I should at least get some use out of them.
     I made a conscious decision to try, when I was having a nightmare in which I was being pursued, to do two things: to turn, in the dream, and confront my pursuers; and to remember the dreams instead of forgetting them. After all, I was a storyteller, and I was missing out on the use of material which was among my strongest, and for which I had paid the highest price. I began to write them down. The dreams related here are told exactly as they occurred to me, except that some have been shortened either by me or by that great editor, forgetfulness.
     In more recent years, my dreams – some, anyway - have become friends, except for the rare visitation of a nightmare as graphic and terrifying as the first two presented here. Along the way I learned an interesting thing: that while dreams inhabit the most fearsome recesses of the human soul, dreams themselves are brutally unafraid. They will go anywhere, reveling in deepest fears and unmentionable desires. Allowed to travel unfettered and then to haul their stories into the light of morning, they will do work - especially for a writer - which simply cannot be done by the awake mind. 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

JENNY KNOWLEDGE (POEM)

12/9/01

In the cabin, my dog hovers close
after dinner of beef loin cooked in foil
in the wood stove, yuppie salad, polenta
fried in butter, kalamata olives,
Mouton Cadet Bordeaux, 1997. She wants
scraps and pets. Now

she snaps her head toward winter’s draft
seeping around the door, fidgets her nose,
barks. I scratch her butt, say, “You
know things I don’t know.” She woofs
again. “And I know things you don’t know.”

I am jolted by my own words. Then: “Jenny,”
 “I’m glad you don’t know what I know.”

She goes to her bed by the stove, does her
downward spiral doggy dance, tumbles into
sleep. My words end; thoughts ramble on:

I’m glad you have not heard the shriek
of Gloria, whose infant daughter has just now
been given up for lost by us, who searched the river
and woods through afternoon and night. I’m glad
you don’t know the sharp snap
of an AK-47 round breaking the sound barrier
as it passes your ear. I’m glad you don’t know
the smell of burning  napalm. I’m glad you have not understood,
have not tried or needed to understand, the meaning
of the television image of a passenger jet
flying into a skyscraper.

I kneel by her bed, spread my hand on
her breathing side, trying to absorb
her innocence.                                                                        Dean Metcalf